Buck (1) v Andrews (5)-

Andrews is in the lead. Bucks got 2 players left. I hope they collapse in the 1^st quarter. (Note: I wrote that last sentence on Monday. Romo broke his clavicle in the first half. Hahahahahah. I kinda feel bad for Romo. He looked so pissed off for the rest of the game on the sideline. His thoughts probably included “I hate my coach”, “I hate that fullback who missed the block and almost got me killed”, “When am I gonna be able to bang a hot chick again”. Fuck the buck. Lets go littlefeet.

Swazye (6) v TwoPt (3)-

Battle of the Steves. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Two_Steves  No not these Steves. Saforawic v. Simpson. Poor benching leads to a Simpson victory. Mcfadden rode the pine and scored 4 tds.

Joes (7) v Tavern (2)-

Joes back in original form this week despite another Rivers explosion. Didn’t help the Chargers coughed up the ball twice despite not getting hit. Are they quitting on their coach? Looks like it. The Tavern has to play pick up sticks on the waiver wire with 6 players on byes. Thomas Jones had a big day while Roddy put a “whiteout” on the Bengals d. Pacman couldn’t cover him all day.

Sojo (10) v Goodfellas (8)-

Petey v. Patrick. Aaron Rodgers, in Force’s eyes, the most overrated player on the field. Doesn’t help having Finley on the injury list but he does get a lot of hype. Chris Johnson is pretty overrated this season also. I didn’t notice him at all yesterday watching the Eagles. I was too busy cursing at Hobbs to cover Britt. Britt was at All-Madden status yesterday while Hobbs/Allen were playing Rookie. And Chad Johnson has a 100 yard game. Finally doing something other than giving himself nicknames. He has 3 self-appointed nicknames.

Stunnas (4) v Justice (9)-

Pat Weiss reported yesterday on Twitter that there were rumors of The Justice throwing up the white towel on the 2010-11 Fantasy Season. He did not have a defense in the active roster against the Stunna. The Jets were on a bye and he had not picked up a starting one for this week. And that came back to bite him. Stunna went up 11 after the Sunday night game. With the Giants and Cowboys playing tonight Stunna pulled the shrewd move to pick up the Giants D. Game over. Stunna wins. Going to 5-2. The Stunna is calling for Tarvaris Jackson to come out and playyyyyyy (copyright: The Warriors) so he can have his Bizarro Roster back.

Overall thoughts- Who is a bigger bust? Raymond Rice or Ryan Mathews? I say Rice.

Looking forward: Lets keep the L’s rolling for Buck. Anyone want the G’s D? Top 3 Def? LaRon Landry is jacked. Jay Cutler is really bad. That Redskins-Chicago game was really, really bad. I want Gus Johnson calling national games every week. I miss his voice. Kenny Britt has 7 TD’s. Kenny f*#king Britt (instead of Kenny Effin Powers). I like that due the plays Jimmy on Boardwalk Empire more than I like Steve Buscemi. Supposedly the dude who played was 6 foot 4 and larger than life. I don’t see that when I’m looking at the buscemi. Eastbound & Down has been good this year, not great. Allen Iverson is playing in Turkey for the next two years. How do we as a society let that happen? One of the top 50 players of all-time and his life is coming to this. That sucks. Sixers are going to have a rough first 10 games. I see 2-8 in the works. Eagles best team in the NFC? Please. From the twitter feed @housefromDC “The lesson from all this Favre drama- Never trust a Jenn with 2 “n’s”. My last two pair of headphones have broke. I had the first for three months and the second for two weeks before one earbud went silent. They were both $20 bucks each. I hate headphones.

Week 6

I got a hangover so bad this week I’m thinking about driving off a cliff a la Junior Seau to get rid of this pain. Nah I ain’t that crazy.

Game recaps- Weissman v. SoGay- Pulled off a perfect jinx on Hakeem Nicks. But also had one of Schaub too. But guess what. He passed it to Andre Johnson for the winning TD. Fantasy points for all! I love my Johnson (Calvin & Andre) twins. Uhhh, that came out wrong. Oh c’mon guys get your mind out of the gutter!

Stunna v. Trashcan Shitter- Stunna got production from his players but no TD’s. That’s the name of the game in fantasy. Meanwhile Jeremy Maclin went bonkers.

Joes v. Swayze- Joes got his first victory last week! I didn’t notice. And hes on his way to #2 this week. Swayze got unlucky this week. Again. Damn shame.

Goodfellas v. Bucky- Comes down to MSW and MOJO. And how does Tony Romo get 30 pts for 3tds and 2 ints and 200 yards. Preposterous. Bucky is so lucky. Phil Rivers has over 2000 yards in 6 games and but only threw for a combined 27 yards to Malcolm Floyd and Gates this past week. Beautiful. And of course Bucky pulls off a 1 point victory when MSW can only get 16 yards on 2 catches.

2 pter v. Justice- I think 2 pter is trying to fuck with us. Two people on byes and hes still cruising to victory. The two people I talked about for Two had interesting Sundays. Bowe had nice day catching 2 tds while Jackson got lit up and is likely seeing stars right now. I thought he broke his neck on that hit. True warrior.

Big movers after Week 6: The trashcan shitter moves up 4 spots and is a respectable 3-3. Joes comes out of the basement and is in 7^th place now. And sojo, losers of 4 straight is in laugh. Hold your applause, please. Bucky is in 1^st .  

Now that its starting to get colder that means that means harsh winds howling against the extremities of your body. Lips will be chapped. Hands will get cold. Abundant Burts & Bees will be needed. Beanies will be out in full force. And we will have more football y’all.

Hey

First thought: I love the E trade baby commercials. Hilarious.

Second thought: Its week 6 of football. Every team has played at least 4 games. We a quarter way through. We can make legitimate judgments about players/teams/etc.

Players to watch in the Weiss-Sojo matchup:

-          Kyle Orton (Weiss): Been riding him all year. Didn’t start him last week. Stupid. You have to stay loyal to your stud players. The fantasy Gods will punish you if you do not follow.

-          Matt Schaub (SOJO)- Just kidding. He sucks this year. Lol. Piss off sojo

-          Hakeem Nicks (SOJO)- Will he make the jump to Top 15 WR this year. Playing DET. Should provide.

Players to watch in the Stunna-Andrews matchup:

-          D. Buehler (Stunna): Bueller, Bueller…. Bueller. Just kidding.

-          Boldin (Stunna): Should destroy NE weak CB

-          Brees (Andrews): Has kinda sucked this year. My upset of the week. Tampa over NO.

-          Santana (Andrews): Not because his play on the field. Hes in trouble with the law with this trainer guy from Canada. Stay tuned.

Players to watch in the Joes- Swayze matchup:

-          Phil Rivers (Joes): Projected to get 43 pts. Wow. QB’s are so overvalued in this league. Will probably get it too.

-          Joes RB’s: Has on RB starting this week. PICK SOMEONE UP. Joe Addai is his flex play. HE IS QUESTIONABLE. PROBABLY WONT PLAY.

-          Brady (Swayze): That piece of shit Justin Beiber made a joke at Brady this week about his hair. Hey fucker, Brady makes more than you. Gets hot chicks also. Fuck off. Brady will be heated this week. I like it.

-          Lloyd (Swazye): One of the top 5 WR this year. What?! Seriously. That’s amazing. I didn’t even know he was the in the league. I actually really like Swayze’s team. We share the same roster of Brady, Austin, and Lloyd in my other league. Great minds think alike…..

Players to watch in the Goodfellas- Buckwilds matchup:

-          Randy (Goodfellas): one week under his belt as a Viking. Playing Dallas. I ain’t scared of any of their CB’s.

-          Gates (Buckwilds): Hes good. If you haven’t noticed. I don’t like anyone else on your team Jedi. They can all rot. ROT!

Players to watch in Two-Jaws matchup:

-          Bowe and Jackson (Two): Bowe you can’t possibly suck this bad right? Dropping a TD last week. C’mon player. I’m worried about Jackson. Not getting the ball too much. Might bitch and complain. Looking for a new contract. Ughhh. At least Philly sports have the Phillies

-          Mendenhall (Jaws)- Pitt should cruise to a victory. Will run a lot in the second half. To Mendenhall.

-          Wallace (Jaws)- Get a haircut player. Mohawks are stupid.

Television update: Been watching some tv lately. If anyone has Directv let me know. Friday Night Lights starts soon. I would like to watch the last season. I’ve been watching Hell’s Kitchen. The dude Trev is a total moron. Hate him. Couldn’t work with him. Ever. He would get under my skin so much I would be tempted to grab a knife and threaten him. I wonder if that has happened before between two chefs. Probably. Anyway, he is cocky and arrogant and just weird. He acts as a leader when he can’t handle the garnish station. Dawg, that shit is probably the easiest. And your sweating your cojones off. Pathetic. Ramsey will have a field day on your ass next episode. And another note about the lack of decent looking women on this show. This season’s crop is weak. Actually, I don’t remember ever watching a hot mami on the show. I’m legitimately attracted to the 22 yr old blond at this point. I would do her. Given the environment you can talk yourself into that at a given point. Mike the Situation is getting weird on the Jersey Shore. Stop Mike. Your likeability is decreasing by the moment. And congrats to Smallville. 200 episodes. I didn’t know they made it past 40. Oh and the chick from Teen Mom got a boob job. I think her name is Farrah. Shes cute. But what the hell. She was on a cover of a magazine the other week for being broke. I hate that show on so many levels. LETS CELEBRATE TEEN PREGENCY! WE LOVE UNWANTED STUFF! So stupid. Stop glorifying it MTV.

Life update: Well I hit some low points this week. Lost my set of keys. Got a ticket. Strolled around for an hour last night looking for them. Work sucks. No one talks. Everyone is a real straight edge workaholic who email all day. And TJ Lavin, host of the great RW/RR Challenge is in a como. Great. At least the miners got out. That was good news. And on a last note congrats to Chris Linnehan on making a Deadspin post about his poop story. Google “deadspin week 6 Jamboroo” and go down to Great Moments in Poop History. You won’t be disappointed.  

Hangover

Week 5 coming up. Big week. Who separates themselves from the pack. Champions do, that’s who. We have two huge matchups this week. The Tavern takes on Mr. Buckwild for the right to potential first place. And Young Stunna takes on 2 pt. Two teams will be 4-1 after these two games. I think we all want the Jedi-Josh combo to go down. They’re like the Soviets in the Cold War. Us Americans don’t like em. They must be taken down. If you have any pride in your country, your rooting for the Tavern this week. And look at Stunna at 3-1. It was only 3 weeks ago he was ready to throw in the towel. But hey, anything can happen in fantasy. It only takes one or two pickups/trades/lucky breaks to totally alter the outcome. Speaking of breaks, Average Joes needs one baaaaad. He’s on a lonely island right now. He’s beaten down like Chuck Noland was in Castaway. He needs to find that port-a-potty door to escape off the winless island. Lets hope.

Key pickups for the week:

-         Buckwilds does his research man. Picked up Torian from the Skins. Portis is banged up and Torian’s getting the load. As his opponent this week I hope he breaks his ankle.

-         The Tavern picked up the kickoff returner for the Pats. Mr. Tate. Hes the deep threat now that Randy “Straight Cash” Moss is gone.

-         Swayze dropped the disappointing Mike Crabtree. I don’t blame him. I’m one more week away from doing it myself in my other league. He’s really crapped the bed this year. Maybe its his QB but still. I want production out of my 2^nd WR. Ughh. Swayze needs to catch some breaks also. Looking at his record would be misleading to how good this team is. He faces the wrong teams on the wrong Sundays. He is third in points scored and is still in 7^th place. That must hurt. Hopefully my new pickup, Tate, will provide his QB with some points.

-         This pickup hasn’t happened yet but why hasn’t Stunna picked up David Garrard to maintain the Bizarro Football lineup. I know hes more up and down in performance than an elevator but you gotta keep the shtick going. I don’t want to call the Karma Police.

Top 10 Fantasy Performers of the Year

1. Manning
2. Orton
3. Phil Rivers
4. Rodgers
5. Foster
6. Brees
7. Vick
8.  Brady
9. Gates
10. Carson
11. SHAUN HILL!!!

I had to include the 11^th player because I mean, Shaun freaking Hill. Wow. I’m shocked. Shocked. And Carson Palmer at #10. If you looked strictly at fantasy numbers and didn’t watch his actual performance throughout the year you would think hes having a Pro Bowl season. But hes not. Far from it, actually. Bill Simmons has poked fun at him routinely throughtout the season because Carson has thrown around 10 “dropped” interceptions (passes that the defender should’ve had, but dropped). I’ve watched a couple of Bengals games and thought, maybe, Carson is done. Fantasy ain’t reality, holmes. QB’s are overvalued in this league though. They get 10 bonus points for throwing 300 yards. 300 yards is nothing nowadays. 10 QB’s threw for over 4000 yards last year. I think it should be bumped up to 325.  Another rule I’d like to implement is having a cap for free agent pickups. If you want to pick someone up you have to pay a price. You have a set cap for the year. $100 total. Say you bid $100 for Orton in Week 2. You get him. Then you’re done for the year. No more pickups. I like that idea.

Stay tuned for a Last Call where I take a power rankings of the teams and compare them to an NFL team.

Week 4: Last Call

The Hangover was not done this week. I pulled a Josh Howard and was so hungover I couldn’t do anything for a solid 36 hours. Bars, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Eagles-Jags, slaughter! That was my Sunday. Just kidding. I was just lazy and tired and had work to do at work. How inconsiderate are these people.

Matchups- Pweiss v. Littlefeet  
Both 2-1 somehow. Littlefeet has the least pts scored and I have won some games on some lucky bs. I won by one last week by a miracle. My team sucks. My bench is horrible. I’m starting more people that I picked up than who I drafted. Ugh. I will never be good at fantasy. Maclin has 4 tds this year on 11 receptions. That’s efficiency.


Young Stunnas v. Goodfellas- Look at the Stunna roster. It’s a Bizarro Protypical Roster. You have a black QB (3 starters in the whole NFL), white RB (not since Nick Goings do I remember a whitey busting some jukes), and a white WR. BTW look at that pick of Collie last week for the performer. I did a chest bump to myself after that game. I think it comes down to the QB’s in this game. Whoever outperforms the other wins because I think the rest of the positions cancel out each other.

SOJO v. Jaws- Sojo is simply baffling. Starts Moreno last week when hes out and now hes starting Peterson whos on a bye. I hope he doesn’t read this. That would be fun. Chad Ocho got into some bizness trouble this week which I think will take some attention away from the game on Sunday. Jaws got bit with the injury bug with 4 players on the Pussy List (I mean, injured list). Jerome Harrison is probable which means he’ll probably play but who knows. The dude ran for 550 yards in TWO games last year and hes riding the pine this year. Strange. Getting benched and losing your job to a white guy. Damn. Will Jaws take his appetite to SOJO and start munching. We’ll find out Sunday people.

Joes v. Le Toux- Will Joes get his first victory this year?! Projections say so. But I have never pay attention to projections. Le Toux has a buttload of people on byes but still has DeSean Jackson. Who is crushing it! 25 yards a catch.

Bucks v. Swayze- Who is this Josh fella next to the hyphen of Jedi? A relative, friend, NFL executive who is feeding him insider info. I call collusion, commish. Swayze picked up Benjarvis Green-Ellis aka The Law Firm. When is the last time NE had a legit RB? Corey Dillon per 2004? I get why Henne is projected to get 23 against the paltry NE secondary but why is MOJO getting 28 against the Colts. I know they suck against the pass letting up a huge game to The Tavern’s Kyle Orton by I didn’t think they were a huge liability against the run. Plus the Jags suck, will be behind all game, and will pass more than run. I’m confused. (Update: People a lot smarting than me at Football Outsiders have MOJO as the best performing running back this week. Follow their advice. NOT MINE!)

We got 6 teams at 2-1 with no team really dominating. Its kind of like the NFL landscape right now. Look at the standings. The Bears are the only NFC team at 3-0! Pittsburgh is probably the best team in the league while there is 6 others that are contenders but still have flaws. Its been a really exciting season so far. Tons of story lines. Tons of shitty QB’s. And lots to look forward to.



Random thoughts:

• The collapse of the 49ers is like the collapse of network tv. Both have crappy leadership. Mike Singletary looks clueless and there is on the chopping block. TV executives are producing some pretty shitfilled shows at the moment. The whole plot and execution of some of these shows is just bizarre. Lonestar got cancelled after 2 shows which sucks because that show had promise. Whatever. I’ll just watch cable tv which is awesome. Once you see boobies and hear cursing on the regular its pretty tough to go back to the censorship of network tv.
• Just stop LeBron. Please stop talking. Before this whole free agency debacle EVERYONE liked you. When it was just you and your actions on the court you were the “King”. Please return to that form.

• Sad story about the Rutgers kid in the news this week. Some shameful shit by his roommate

• Good 30 for 30 last Tuesday. Especially liked the narration by my boy Taylor Kitsch of FNL fame. He’s a star in the making.
• Anyone else know what the hell is going on in Ecaudor? I hear its like a civil war/revolutionary attack/coup all wrapped into one.
• Watched Castaway for the 11th time last night. Plane crash scene gets me everytime. Still hold my breath while watching it.

And my performer of the week goes to: Oaklands WR Darius Heyward-Bey and TE Zach Miller. A combo deal.