Buck (1) v Andrews (5)-

Andrews is in the lead. Bucks got 2 players left. I hope they collapse in the 1^st quarter. (Note: I wrote that last sentence on Monday. Romo broke his clavicle in the first half. Hahahahahah. I kinda feel bad for Romo. He looked so pissed off for the rest of the game on the sideline. His thoughts probably included “I hate my coach”, “I hate that fullback who missed the block and almost got me killed”, “When am I gonna be able to bang a hot chick again”. Fuck the buck. Lets go littlefeet.

Swazye (6) v TwoPt (3)-

Battle of the Steves. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Two_Steves  No not these Steves. Saforawic v. Simpson. Poor benching leads to a Simpson victory. Mcfadden rode the pine and scored 4 tds.

Joes (7) v Tavern (2)-

Joes back in original form this week despite another Rivers explosion. Didn’t help the Chargers coughed up the ball twice despite not getting hit. Are they quitting on their coach? Looks like it. The Tavern has to play pick up sticks on the waiver wire with 6 players on byes. Thomas Jones had a big day while Roddy put a “whiteout” on the Bengals d. Pacman couldn’t cover him all day.

Sojo (10) v Goodfellas (8)-

Petey v. Patrick. Aaron Rodgers, in Force’s eyes, the most overrated player on the field. Doesn’t help having Finley on the injury list but he does get a lot of hype. Chris Johnson is pretty overrated this season also. I didn’t notice him at all yesterday watching the Eagles. I was too busy cursing at Hobbs to cover Britt. Britt was at All-Madden status yesterday while Hobbs/Allen were playing Rookie. And Chad Johnson has a 100 yard game. Finally doing something other than giving himself nicknames. He has 3 self-appointed nicknames.

Stunnas (4) v Justice (9)-

Pat Weiss reported yesterday on Twitter that there were rumors of The Justice throwing up the white towel on the 2010-11 Fantasy Season. He did not have a defense in the active roster against the Stunna. The Jets were on a bye and he had not picked up a starting one for this week. And that came back to bite him. Stunna went up 11 after the Sunday night game. With the Giants and Cowboys playing tonight Stunna pulled the shrewd move to pick up the Giants D. Game over. Stunna wins. Going to 5-2. The Stunna is calling for Tarvaris Jackson to come out and playyyyyyy (copyright: The Warriors) so he can have his Bizarro Roster back.

Overall thoughts- Who is a bigger bust? Raymond Rice or Ryan Mathews? I say Rice.

Looking forward: Lets keep the L’s rolling for Buck. Anyone want the G’s D? Top 3 Def? LaRon Landry is jacked. Jay Cutler is really bad. That Redskins-Chicago game was really, really bad. I want Gus Johnson calling national games every week. I miss his voice. Kenny Britt has 7 TD’s. Kenny f*#king Britt (instead of Kenny Effin Powers). I like that due the plays Jimmy on Boardwalk Empire more than I like Steve Buscemi. Supposedly the dude who played was 6 foot 4 and larger than life. I don’t see that when I’m looking at the buscemi. Eastbound & Down has been good this year, not great. Allen Iverson is playing in Turkey for the next two years. How do we as a society let that happen? One of the top 50 players of all-time and his life is coming to this. That sucks. Sixers are going to have a rough first 10 games. I see 2-8 in the works. Eagles best team in the NFC? Please. From the twitter feed @housefromDC “The lesson from all this Favre drama- Never trust a Jenn with 2 “n’s”. My last two pair of headphones have broke. I had the first for three months and the second for two weeks before one earbud went silent. They were both $20 bucks each. I hate headphones.

Week 6

I got a hangover so bad this week I’m thinking about driving off a cliff a la Junior Seau to get rid of this pain. Nah I ain’t that crazy.

Game recaps- Weissman v. SoGay- Pulled off a perfect jinx on Hakeem Nicks. But also had one of Schaub too. But guess what. He passed it to Andre Johnson for the winning TD. Fantasy points for all! I love my Johnson (Calvin & Andre) twins. Uhhh, that came out wrong. Oh c’mon guys get your mind out of the gutter!

Stunna v. Trashcan Shitter- Stunna got production from his players but no TD’s. That’s the name of the game in fantasy. Meanwhile Jeremy Maclin went bonkers.

Joes v. Swayze- Joes got his first victory last week! I didn’t notice. And hes on his way to #2 this week. Swayze got unlucky this week. Again. Damn shame.

Goodfellas v. Bucky- Comes down to MSW and MOJO. And how does Tony Romo get 30 pts for 3tds and 2 ints and 200 yards. Preposterous. Bucky is so lucky. Phil Rivers has over 2000 yards in 6 games and but only threw for a combined 27 yards to Malcolm Floyd and Gates this past week. Beautiful. And of course Bucky pulls off a 1 point victory when MSW can only get 16 yards on 2 catches.

2 pter v. Justice- I think 2 pter is trying to fuck with us. Two people on byes and hes still cruising to victory. The two people I talked about for Two had interesting Sundays. Bowe had nice day catching 2 tds while Jackson got lit up and is likely seeing stars right now. I thought he broke his neck on that hit. True warrior.

Big movers after Week 6: The trashcan shitter moves up 4 spots and is a respectable 3-3. Joes comes out of the basement and is in 7^th place now. And sojo, losers of 4 straight is in laugh. Hold your applause, please. Bucky is in 1^st .  

Now that its starting to get colder that means that means harsh winds howling against the extremities of your body. Lips will be chapped. Hands will get cold. Abundant Burts & Bees will be needed. Beanies will be out in full force. And we will have more football y’all.

Hey

First thought: I love the E trade baby commercials. Hilarious.

Second thought: Its week 6 of football. Every team has played at least 4 games. We a quarter way through. We can make legitimate judgments about players/teams/etc.

Players to watch in the Weiss-Sojo matchup:

-          Kyle Orton (Weiss): Been riding him all year. Didn’t start him last week. Stupid. You have to stay loyal to your stud players. The fantasy Gods will punish you if you do not follow.

-          Matt Schaub (SOJO)- Just kidding. He sucks this year. Lol. Piss off sojo

-          Hakeem Nicks (SOJO)- Will he make the jump to Top 15 WR this year. Playing DET. Should provide.

Players to watch in the Stunna-Andrews matchup:

-          D. Buehler (Stunna): Bueller, Bueller…. Bueller. Just kidding.

-          Boldin (Stunna): Should destroy NE weak CB

-          Brees (Andrews): Has kinda sucked this year. My upset of the week. Tampa over NO.

-          Santana (Andrews): Not because his play on the field. Hes in trouble with the law with this trainer guy from Canada. Stay tuned.

Players to watch in the Joes- Swayze matchup:

-          Phil Rivers (Joes): Projected to get 43 pts. Wow. QB’s are so overvalued in this league. Will probably get it too.

-          Joes RB’s: Has on RB starting this week. PICK SOMEONE UP. Joe Addai is his flex play. HE IS QUESTIONABLE. PROBABLY WONT PLAY.

-          Brady (Swayze): That piece of shit Justin Beiber made a joke at Brady this week about his hair. Hey fucker, Brady makes more than you. Gets hot chicks also. Fuck off. Brady will be heated this week. I like it.

-          Lloyd (Swazye): One of the top 5 WR this year. What?! Seriously. That’s amazing. I didn’t even know he was the in the league. I actually really like Swayze’s team. We share the same roster of Brady, Austin, and Lloyd in my other league. Great minds think alike…..

Players to watch in the Goodfellas- Buckwilds matchup:

-          Randy (Goodfellas): one week under his belt as a Viking. Playing Dallas. I ain’t scared of any of their CB’s.

-          Gates (Buckwilds): Hes good. If you haven’t noticed. I don’t like anyone else on your team Jedi. They can all rot. ROT!

Players to watch in Two-Jaws matchup:

-          Bowe and Jackson (Two): Bowe you can’t possibly suck this bad right? Dropping a TD last week. C’mon player. I’m worried about Jackson. Not getting the ball too much. Might bitch and complain. Looking for a new contract. Ughhh. At least Philly sports have the Phillies

-          Mendenhall (Jaws)- Pitt should cruise to a victory. Will run a lot in the second half. To Mendenhall.

-          Wallace (Jaws)- Get a haircut player. Mohawks are stupid.

Television update: Been watching some tv lately. If anyone has Directv let me know. Friday Night Lights starts soon. I would like to watch the last season. I’ve been watching Hell’s Kitchen. The dude Trev is a total moron. Hate him. Couldn’t work with him. Ever. He would get under my skin so much I would be tempted to grab a knife and threaten him. I wonder if that has happened before between two chefs. Probably. Anyway, he is cocky and arrogant and just weird. He acts as a leader when he can’t handle the garnish station. Dawg, that shit is probably the easiest. And your sweating your cojones off. Pathetic. Ramsey will have a field day on your ass next episode. And another note about the lack of decent looking women on this show. This season’s crop is weak. Actually, I don’t remember ever watching a hot mami on the show. I’m legitimately attracted to the 22 yr old blond at this point. I would do her. Given the environment you can talk yourself into that at a given point. Mike the Situation is getting weird on the Jersey Shore. Stop Mike. Your likeability is decreasing by the moment. And congrats to Smallville. 200 episodes. I didn’t know they made it past 40. Oh and the chick from Teen Mom got a boob job. I think her name is Farrah. Shes cute. But what the hell. She was on a cover of a magazine the other week for being broke. I hate that show on so many levels. LETS CELEBRATE TEEN PREGENCY! WE LOVE UNWANTED STUFF! So stupid. Stop glorifying it MTV.

Life update: Well I hit some low points this week. Lost my set of keys. Got a ticket. Strolled around for an hour last night looking for them. Work sucks. No one talks. Everyone is a real straight edge workaholic who email all day. And TJ Lavin, host of the great RW/RR Challenge is in a como. Great. At least the miners got out. That was good news. And on a last note congrats to Chris Linnehan on making a Deadspin post about his poop story. Google “deadspin week 6 Jamboroo” and go down to Great Moments in Poop History. You won’t be disappointed.  

Hangover

Week 5 coming up. Big week. Who separates themselves from the pack. Champions do, that’s who. We have two huge matchups this week. The Tavern takes on Mr. Buckwild for the right to potential first place. And Young Stunna takes on 2 pt. Two teams will be 4-1 after these two games. I think we all want the Jedi-Josh combo to go down. They’re like the Soviets in the Cold War. Us Americans don’t like em. They must be taken down. If you have any pride in your country, your rooting for the Tavern this week. And look at Stunna at 3-1. It was only 3 weeks ago he was ready to throw in the towel. But hey, anything can happen in fantasy. It only takes one or two pickups/trades/lucky breaks to totally alter the outcome. Speaking of breaks, Average Joes needs one baaaaad. He’s on a lonely island right now. He’s beaten down like Chuck Noland was in Castaway. He needs to find that port-a-potty door to escape off the winless island. Lets hope.

Key pickups for the week:

-         Buckwilds does his research man. Picked up Torian from the Skins. Portis is banged up and Torian’s getting the load. As his opponent this week I hope he breaks his ankle.

-         The Tavern picked up the kickoff returner for the Pats. Mr. Tate. Hes the deep threat now that Randy “Straight Cash” Moss is gone.

-         Swayze dropped the disappointing Mike Crabtree. I don’t blame him. I’m one more week away from doing it myself in my other league. He’s really crapped the bed this year. Maybe its his QB but still. I want production out of my 2^nd WR. Ughh. Swayze needs to catch some breaks also. Looking at his record would be misleading to how good this team is. He faces the wrong teams on the wrong Sundays. He is third in points scored and is still in 7^th place. That must hurt. Hopefully my new pickup, Tate, will provide his QB with some points.

-         This pickup hasn’t happened yet but why hasn’t Stunna picked up David Garrard to maintain the Bizarro Football lineup. I know hes more up and down in performance than an elevator but you gotta keep the shtick going. I don’t want to call the Karma Police.

Top 10 Fantasy Performers of the Year

1. Manning
2. Orton
3. Phil Rivers
4. Rodgers
5. Foster
6. Brees
7. Vick
8.  Brady
9. Gates
10. Carson
11. SHAUN HILL!!!

I had to include the 11^th player because I mean, Shaun freaking Hill. Wow. I’m shocked. Shocked. And Carson Palmer at #10. If you looked strictly at fantasy numbers and didn’t watch his actual performance throughout the year you would think hes having a Pro Bowl season. But hes not. Far from it, actually. Bill Simmons has poked fun at him routinely throughtout the season because Carson has thrown around 10 “dropped” interceptions (passes that the defender should’ve had, but dropped). I’ve watched a couple of Bengals games and thought, maybe, Carson is done. Fantasy ain’t reality, holmes. QB’s are overvalued in this league though. They get 10 bonus points for throwing 300 yards. 300 yards is nothing nowadays. 10 QB’s threw for over 4000 yards last year. I think it should be bumped up to 325.  Another rule I’d like to implement is having a cap for free agent pickups. If you want to pick someone up you have to pay a price. You have a set cap for the year. $100 total. Say you bid $100 for Orton in Week 2. You get him. Then you’re done for the year. No more pickups. I like that idea.

Stay tuned for a Last Call where I take a power rankings of the teams and compare them to an NFL team.

Week 4: Last Call

The Hangover was not done this week. I pulled a Josh Howard and was so hungover I couldn’t do anything for a solid 36 hours. Bars, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football, Eagles-Jags, slaughter! That was my Sunday. Just kidding. I was just lazy and tired and had work to do at work. How inconsiderate are these people.

Matchups- Pweiss v. Littlefeet  
Both 2-1 somehow. Littlefeet has the least pts scored and I have won some games on some lucky bs. I won by one last week by a miracle. My team sucks. My bench is horrible. I’m starting more people that I picked up than who I drafted. Ugh. I will never be good at fantasy. Maclin has 4 tds this year on 11 receptions. That’s efficiency.


Young Stunnas v. Goodfellas- Look at the Stunna roster. It’s a Bizarro Protypical Roster. You have a black QB (3 starters in the whole NFL), white RB (not since Nick Goings do I remember a whitey busting some jukes), and a white WR. BTW look at that pick of Collie last week for the performer. I did a chest bump to myself after that game. I think it comes down to the QB’s in this game. Whoever outperforms the other wins because I think the rest of the positions cancel out each other.

SOJO v. Jaws- Sojo is simply baffling. Starts Moreno last week when hes out and now hes starting Peterson whos on a bye. I hope he doesn’t read this. That would be fun. Chad Ocho got into some bizness trouble this week which I think will take some attention away from the game on Sunday. Jaws got bit with the injury bug with 4 players on the Pussy List (I mean, injured list). Jerome Harrison is probable which means he’ll probably play but who knows. The dude ran for 550 yards in TWO games last year and hes riding the pine this year. Strange. Getting benched and losing your job to a white guy. Damn. Will Jaws take his appetite to SOJO and start munching. We’ll find out Sunday people.

Joes v. Le Toux- Will Joes get his first victory this year?! Projections say so. But I have never pay attention to projections. Le Toux has a buttload of people on byes but still has DeSean Jackson. Who is crushing it! 25 yards a catch.

Bucks v. Swayze- Who is this Josh fella next to the hyphen of Jedi? A relative, friend, NFL executive who is feeding him insider info. I call collusion, commish. Swayze picked up Benjarvis Green-Ellis aka The Law Firm. When is the last time NE had a legit RB? Corey Dillon per 2004? I get why Henne is projected to get 23 against the paltry NE secondary but why is MOJO getting 28 against the Colts. I know they suck against the pass letting up a huge game to The Tavern’s Kyle Orton by I didn’t think they were a huge liability against the run. Plus the Jags suck, will be behind all game, and will pass more than run. I’m confused. (Update: People a lot smarting than me at Football Outsiders have MOJO as the best performing running back this week. Follow their advice. NOT MINE!)

We got 6 teams at 2-1 with no team really dominating. Its kind of like the NFL landscape right now. Look at the standings. The Bears are the only NFC team at 3-0! Pittsburgh is probably the best team in the league while there is 6 others that are contenders but still have flaws. Its been a really exciting season so far. Tons of story lines. Tons of shitty QB’s. And lots to look forward to.



Random thoughts:

• The collapse of the 49ers is like the collapse of network tv. Both have crappy leadership. Mike Singletary looks clueless and there is on the chopping block. TV executives are producing some pretty shitfilled shows at the moment. The whole plot and execution of some of these shows is just bizarre. Lonestar got cancelled after 2 shows which sucks because that show had promise. Whatever. I’ll just watch cable tv which is awesome. Once you see boobies and hear cursing on the regular its pretty tough to go back to the censorship of network tv.
• Just stop LeBron. Please stop talking. Before this whole free agency debacle EVERYONE liked you. When it was just you and your actions on the court you were the “King”. Please return to that form.

• Sad story about the Rutgers kid in the news this week. Some shameful shit by his roommate

• Good 30 for 30 last Tuesday. Especially liked the narration by my boy Taylor Kitsch of FNL fame. He’s a star in the making.
• Anyone else know what the hell is going on in Ecaudor? I hear its like a civil war/revolutionary attack/coup all wrapped into one.
• Watched Castaway for the 11th time last night. Plane crash scene gets me everytime. Still hold my breath while watching it.

And my performer of the week goes to: Oaklands WR Darius Heyward-Bey and TE Zach Miller. A combo deal.

Last Call: Week 3

It was premier week on network shows this week with 16 new shows ready to debut. And after watching a couple and reading the reviews I can say that the future looks bleak for most, if not all of them. The only show I saw that had potential was Fox's Lone Star. Good young actor, couple of hot chicks on the side, decent plot: I could see that going somewhere. Too bad the ratings were horrible and I would be shocked to see if go more than 13 episodes. A couple of returning shows debuted this week like Modern Family, The Office, Eastbound & Down (Sunday), Big Bang Theory.

This Last Call will feature a power rankings comparing each one of our teams to a current show on TV. Lets do the damn thang!

Stunna- Started out bad (draft), lost ugly in Week 1, bounced back in week 2, and is now trying to right the ship with 3 new players in the starting lineup. I would compare this performance to NBC's Parks & Recreation. First season wasn't a total disaster but nobody was talking a big game about it but last season they bounced back with critics now calling it the "funniest show on tv". They added a couple new characters and boom, new destruction, massive success. It's going to take time to see how season 3 goes because it isn't coming back til January and it will also take a few weeks to see if Force's new additions (Vick, Tolbert, Jackson) and some older returns (TO, Boldin, Celek) put together a force of a team. Parks & Rec is a comedy and through two weeks Force's actions/reactions have been downright comical also.

Swayze- Has a top 4 position player in QB (#3 Brady), WR (#1 Austin), RB (#4 Rice), TE (#4 Finley) and is projected to get 150 points again this week. Good god. If his younger players even have decent weeks I do not want to face the power that is swayze. I would compare this team to AMC's "Mad Men". Lots of talent up top (Jon Hamm, dude who plays Roger Sterling) and if the supporting cast puts in a little effort each week you WILL be entertained.

Erin Andrews- This team should be good. With Brees, Colston, Fitzy, Clark you would think this team would be a contender. But through 2 weeks EA has the lowest points (30 less than anyone else) and his two starting RB's this week is Crazy Clinton Portis and banged up Marion Barber. (Side note: Great YouTube clip, of MB http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZYKzpjci0s ). (Another side note: I remember watching MB in college and thinking, "this guy will absolutely be a pro RB. I don't watch much college football but have a good eye out for that. When Jacquizz Rodgers of OSU was a freshman I saw that potential in him too.) Back to my point. Unless Brees, Clark, and Fitzgerald get back to their usual production I see trouble for EA. TV comparison for this team: Running Wilde with Will Arnett, Keri Russell, and the people who did Arrested Development. How this show suck like the reviews show? Why did the pilot need to be reshot because the first version wasn't very good? AD was a great show. Hilarious. Ughh.

Goodfellas- Has some newcomers (Shonn Greene, Rodgers, Forte) and some Old Dogs (Gonzo, Driver, Akers, Moss). The future looks bright if the oldtimers keep it going. I would compare this team to two shows, American Idol and Friday Night Lights. AI has two new judges and a new mentor with the return of Randy Jackson and the production crew. I personally think the show is done and will never overcome the loss of Simon but Jennifer Lopez is the wildcard. She could resurrect it. FNL has Coach and Mrs. Coach still leading the charge but the new additions from Season 4 and East Dillon are going to have to step their game up to replace the loss of Riggins and Matt Saracen. I will miss Riggins. One of the great tv characters of all time.

Mr. Weiss's Tavern: GREATEST TEAM EVER. Going for GOAT status in my opinion.No more words need to be typed for this team. Pencil me in for the championship.

SOJO: Oh god, this piece of shit. His team is isn't a show, it's a movie. Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. The one movie I ever walked out on. It was gross. As is this team.

Back to the Tavern: I was just messing. We need to analyze my team. I'm starting 5 new players that I either drafted on the bench or picked up. Ehhh. That's a red flag right off the bat. But I still got my WR's!  I'm hoping for the snorting of Ortin this week. I would compare my team to Season 4 of the The Wire. Lots of newcomers with the schoolboys, loss of the field general McNulty (Eli Manning), but still same ol Wire. I loved this season as do I love my team. Sue me. I'm a homer.

Buck Wilds: In first place. Strangely. Best two players Romo and Mojo are sucking the tit right now but hes still in first. I don't think it will last. Starting Floyd and Bradshaw is not a recipe for success. For a tv show I would compare it to Prison Break. Season 1 and 2 were legitimately great television but 3/4 kinda fell off the wagon. As is our own Viral Desai. Tonight he almost walked into oncoming traffic.

Jaws/Avg Joes- Bringing up the winless rear are these two juggernauts. Jaws has been very unlucky with both losses coming by 5 points. That sucks. Joes has been scoring, averaging around 95 pts a week, which is not too shappy. Both these teams have decent rosters, couple of stars, couple of OK guys. Nothing to get a boner over though. I would compare these team teams to the Law and Order franchise. Keeps plugging along  while the audience isn't really compelled to follow week to week. We'll stay tuned to these teams.

Two Pt Conversion- This team should be very good. You got Peyton (proven commodity), Jamaal Charles (Why KC doesn't run him 18-22 times a game is mind boggling), Steven Jackson/Dwyane Bowe/Zach Miller(if only they had a better supporting cast), DeSean (fastest receiver in the National Football League). I think they make a jump in the upcoming weeks like I see the show Community on NBC making the jump in season 2. They went under the radar in the first season but now people are talking and Joel McHale is trying to make this the best comedy on tv.

Lets enjoy some football tomorrow fuckers.

Oh, I almost forgot. My monster performance of the week prediction. Last week I picked Devery Henderson. Uhhhh. Lets forget that. This week I'm going with the great white hope Austin Collie against the Broncos. The Broncos have some DB's hurt so I'm thinking they'll target the shitty ones. Lets hope.

The Tavern: Dissing out Hangovers

I had one wicked of a hangover Saturday morning. Had a shot of SoCo that did not go down well. And on Monday morning I'm sure some football players had hangovers also. Like Chris Johnson, who did absolute shit on Sunday, looked disinterested the whole time, and probably drank and got wit honies all Sunday night. Braylon Edwards probably had one also, sitting in his prison cell Sunday night. How do you get arrested in Manhattan where there is cabs on every street corner? Dummy.

Matchups- We had some high power offenses in Swayze and Buckwilds this week. They put on a clinic. Romo and Best got 75 points alone and his best player, Mojo, did shit. Buckwilds looks like a team to be reckoned with. LeSean McCoy put on an absolute show vs. the lously Lions D. I don't know what it is about him because he isn't the fastest guy, most powerful, or athletic but the guy just breaks tackles and makes people miss. It's a shame Goodfellas had to face the powerhouse that is Swayze because 120 pts in nothing to be shameful of. We also had a matchup come down to the nitty gritty between the Power that is Sojo and Avg. Joes. Unfortunately SOJO has it locked up with all of Joes players on the bench. If I was the commish I would dock Sojo for being the worst prank phone caller in history. I got a message on Saturday night, 3 am, saying, "Hey its Lou Holtz, listen here, Notre Dame ain't losing again. If you want to talk, call me, I'll be on ESPN." Little did he know that Notre Dame had lost THAT night to MSU. Notre Dame sucks. When was the last time they were relevant? Reagans tenure?

I thought I had my game wrapped up Subway flatbread-style until Ol man Frank Gore went bonkers. Alas. Young Stunna was complaining to me earlier on Monday how "he was looking forward to 2011 already" and "My top 2 picks are bottom 30 RB's". It must have been a reverse jinx because it worked like a charm. Damn you Stunna. It didn't help that friggin Fasano on the Dolphins was shooting blanks against the Vikings, who have like 3 healthy DB's. I looked up Fasano's bio. Guess where he goes. That's right: Notre freaking Dame. The Le Toux Point Conversion started the immortal Ricky Williams and it hurts me to say this but it looks like hes washed up. More washed up than driftwood at this point. Same with Brett Favre. He made some UGLY throws on Sunday. You want some more metaphors and similes. Lets shoot some off. Stinky SOJO's bro has Vince Young on his bench. You better hit the waiver wire for a new backup. On Sunday he looked as horrible as the promos for Outsourced & Shit My Dad Says. The pick I blasted in the fantasy draft was Forces dubious 3rd rounder of Kevin Kolb. He had more fantasy hoopla surrounding him before the season than a Beatles concert during the 60's. (Note: Disregard that, I cannot think of anything). DeSean Jackson is quicker than a tween climbing over seats for a front row seat to a Justin Beiber concert.

For now we have 4 teams either undefeated or winless and the rest of the bunch crunched at 1-1. Anyone can win this thing. Its a marathon, not a sprint. I love those kind of cliches.

Week 2: Last Call from the Tavern

Week 2 action. I start work on Monday. 40 hrs a week. Totally cuts into my tv time. I just finished all four seasons of Friday Night Lights in anticipation of that. Great show by the way. Lets recap some of Week 1 to prepare for some week two matchups. A lot of QB's just SUCKED in the first week. There was at least 10 quarterbacks that were ughh on Sunday. Mark Sanchez literally could not complete a 15 yard pass. His passes were flatter than a week old beer can in a frat house.Trent Edwards is so BAD that it was painful to watch. Poor Bills fans. They have nothing to cheer for. The weather sucks, the chicks probably wear big, baggy clothes. Sorry Buffaloians.

A lot of the schedule for week two does not show at first glance a lot of fantasy goodness. KC at Cleveland looks good for the KC running backs. Jamaal Charles has straight speed and looks like he can outrun anyone. They should seriously hand it off to him and Thomas Jones almost every play. Cassel looked pretty bad so why not go with whats working. Mike Vick should have a field day on Detroit. They gave up so many yards to Cutler  that should forebode well for the dog killer. Could McCoy possibly have a Matt Forte-esque day. Hmmmm. Green Bay plays the putrid Buffalo. If they are truly a great team this should be a blowout. (Doesn't italics put on a nice touch) New England plays the f*c#$ing Jets and I think Tom Brady will have a field day. I really like this Pats team. I think they have a lot of weapons and I wouldn't be surprised if Randy puts on a show to Revis. That would be cool. There is a legitimate feud between these two teams too. Tom Brady was quoted as saying he "hates the Jets" which was refreshing to my ears. Too often on Sunday I saw players from opposing teams helping each other up, slapping helmets, etc. What the hell. I want to see hate and people pissed off at each other. More hitting. Cursing. Stuff like that. NYG at Indy should be all O with a lot of scores. I honestly don't know who will get the fantasy points though. Each team has a lot of weapons. Nicks scored 3 TD's last week and Collie ran like Forrest Gump. This week it could be Steve Smith and Garcon doing the damn thang. IDK.

Top fantasy player: Every week I will pick a person, non-superstar, who I think will have a big week. Last week it was Collie and Nicks. This week I'm picking Devery Henderson of the Saints. Will a 100 yd, 2 TD wet your pallet. I sure hope so.

Concerns: I am concerned with Phil Rivers. He showed up to the game in blue jeans, big ass belt buckle, tucked in plaid shirt, and a casual hat. Looked like my kind of guy. Cool and calm. But then. Throwing the ball on the ground. Yelling at teammates. Uh-oh. Will the lineman continue to block their hearts out as the season goes on? Will receivers be scared of making a mistake every play? Do you really want to go to war with him leading? Look out for this.

Last call: The NCAA is a joke. A JOKE! I don't even want to get into the Reggie Bush situation. It's just stupid. However, the AJ Green deal and Florida's continued Roster of Thugs that continues to go unnoticed just keeps me away from following the sport a great deal. Seriously, look up the Gators recent arrests. Something like 29 players have been arrested under Meyer's regime. Does anyone give a crap? No. Shit never changes. I like watching the games and looking for future pros but the off the field shit I could give two pisses about. Remember that conference re-alignment spree. I didn't read one word about. Just don't care. The NCAA board seems like a bunch of corrupt, rich old fellas that don't give a crap. They will never change and the Urban Meyer's and John Calipari's will continue their reign. Whatever. Lets play some god damn football.

Week 1 Weiss's Tavern: The Hangover

We got football action, folks. Week 1 was a weak one. Hahaha. The opening night Saints v. Vikings game started out going well, as did the big game on the 1 pm slate Bengals v. Pats, but as they went on they kinda sucked. The Pats were crushing until the Bengals got there shit together but still came up two touchdowns short. And how bout Ocho and TO leaving before the first half ended to go up to the locker room. Pussies. At least there was a lot of good stuff on tv today. Football for 9 hrs, new episode of Jersey Shore, Music Awards, Mad Men (if you're into that), Phils, FIBA World Champs, and the WNBA Finals Game 1. You go girls.

The only games with drama were Lions/Bears, Philly/GB, and Atl/Pitt. Calvin Johnson got screwed and so did the Lions. He's on my fantasy team! C'mon ref, give him that. Kevin Kolb can't even go a half without idiots calling for the ax and Mike Vick hooked up to the Rejuvenation Machine. Atl/Pitt sucked for a while but then Mendenhall juked and jabbed into the end zone.

Only three running backs had 100 yd days, led by my boy Arian "Nation" Foster. CJ2k did the damn thang and Matt Forte caught some balls and made up for that shit he pulled last year.

Lets go to some match-up points. I'm going to lose despite getting 64 points from just two players. God that sucks. Young Stunna had our Good Call of the Week by not starting his prized possession Kevin Kolb. Jedi had a balanced attack with 6 players scoring 10+ points with Antonio waiting to play.

What did we learn from Week 1: Cris Collinsworth made a good point on Sunday night saying that players just aren't in the optimal conditioning for a full 60 minutes of football because they haven't played a full game in 9 months. I liked that. Toward the fourth quarter players were getting tired so we cannot conclude too much from this first week. I also learned that the Eagles had some irresponsible behavior dealing with Kolb and Bradley's concussion. C'mon Andy. I love ya but you cannot let Bradley come back in 2 MINUTES after his stumbling. Ughh. Although that did take some attention off the QB controversy that the media will be covering later on in the week.

Draft Recap

Happy 90210 day y’all. It happens once every hundred years. Today is a big day! I never watched the show but I’m sure some you old heads caught the tail end of it in the late 90’s. Did you know that show aired 296 episodes? Holy shit. Today a show is lucky to get 4 seasons. The people of Beverly Hills went 10 years airing 28 episodes a season. That’s good stuff.

Anyway, we have another reason to celebrate today. Bristol Palin is going to be on next seasons Dancing With The Stars!!! God she is so talented and famous. For what?  I have no idea. She is the daughter of a Vice President candidate which lost. Oh and shes on again off again with the next hopeful mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. If that isn’t famous then I don’t know what is. Go away.

No, it is the official start of football season! College football premieres tonight which means the NFL is only a week away which means I can sit at home on Sundays and watch 10 hours of football which is awesome. I’m also thinking about getting the highly touted NFL Redzone channel this year but am worried I am going to get more pissed off when a third string tight end catches a one yard touchdown off a play fake when the team could’ve handed it off to my running back. That always sucks. But I digress. Lets dig in to some draft results from Monday night.

Average Joes: First four picks- CJ2K, Ced Benson, Phil Rivers, Wesley Welker. Solid stuff. Its always good to get the first pick in anything. Welker may have been a reach but the dudes a warrior. His knee exploded like five months ago but hes fine now. I don’t know how he does it. Chris Johnson is a fast mofo but I’m worried he might not live up to the hype after the crazy season. I remember a couple years back when Steven Jackson went crazy and promised 2500 yards from scrimmage the following season but ended up well short. The only difference between these two situations is the Titans are somewhat good while the Rams are so abysmal that their TE1 is Billy Bajema. I know, I have no idea who he is either. Late round intrigue: Vinny Jackson and Big Ben the Molester. If either of these two come back and produce like usual, Shawn has some trade bait to dangle.

Smelly SOJO: First four picks- AP, Schaub, Jennings, Moreno. Love Jennings. I watched their playoff game last year vs. the Cardinals and the dude caught EVERYTHING. He’ll produce. Moreno hasn’t played much in training camp and got hurt early which scares me. Late round intrigue: Hakeem Nicks. He has huge hands. Look it up.

Becky Buckwild: Jedi, did you get this name from the chick that was on Flavor of Love? http://blog.vh1.com/2007-08-14/beckys-got-the-feeling-for-more-flavor/ She was crazy. Anyway, First four picks- MOJO, Wayne, Homo, Best. I must say I really like this team. MOJO got nicked up a bit but hes always good for 9+ TD’s a year. Best is a solid keeper pick and in the late rounds he took some chances with rookies/role players who look to step up.

Son of Mr. Patrick Swayze: First four picks: Ray Rice, Brady, Austin, McCoy. Only pick I didn’t like in the draft was Ben Tate. Why? He broke his leg, out for the year. Gotta do your homework Stephen. Your dad would not be happy with you if he were still around. RIP.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1rVBe1NCh8

Mr. Weiss’s Tavern: First four picks: Andre Johnson, Roddy, Megatron, DeAngelo. Oh hey, its my team! I took three WR’s with the first three picks mainly because I was bored with the standard drafting I’ve been doing for 7 years. Either some combo of RB, RB, WR or RB, WR, QB was just not fun anymore. I wanted to take a risk and draft some blue chip WR’s and hope to hit on a RB in the later rounds. Anyone need a WR, offer me a trade!

Goodfellas: First four picks: Rodgers, Moss, Shonn (not Sean or Shawn) Greene, Steve Smith. Steve Smith is one of my top 5 players in the league. Hes like 5 foot 7 but carries himself like a giant. He caught a pass last year, got hit, broke his arm, scored the TD, acted like nothing happened. Also Randy Moss had one of my favorite YouTube clips ever. Just search Moss + Straight Cash. Late round intrigue: Chris Cooley. He is what I hope Brent Celek becomes one day. Just a big, fast white boy TE. I also like how Shonn Greene spells him name. People these days have crazy names. One guys name on Tampa Bay is named Stylez G. White. Nice.

Young Stunnas: OK, I’ve tried to keep the posts for every team pretty short but I’m going overboard with this team. Mr. Force’s draft just baffled me. The team name makes sense because afterward I was stunned! First four picks: Gore, Mathews, Kevin Kolb (???), Boldin. Screw it, I’m listing every pick. Next 10 picks: TO (he is so old and for him to be a fifth rd pick was absurd), Brent Celek (early, but homer pick, defensible), Johnny Knox (shaking my head), Favre (ehh), Packers Def (I loved the early run on defenses. Here is a fact about DEF for fantasy: They really don’t matter. The scoring differences between the 1^st overall rank and 10^th is like 2 points a game. And the top preseason ranked D rarely ends up with the most points. It’s a crapshoot. You have to wait till the end to draft a defense. There is only 10 teams in the league. That means that there is 22 available DEF as free agents. Hell, you can add/drop one every week and just find the team that is playing the Browns. They’ll score a boatload off of Delhomme’s interceptions. Now Force didn’t start the trend but he was a follower and that I can’t forgive), Holmes, Jones, Cribbs, Bradford.

I need a new paragraph. Kevin Kolb is getting so much love that I am slightly worried. He hasn’t looked to good in the preseason. I think he’ll end up being fine but all these projections of 4000 yards and resemblances to Aaron Rodgers are a little premature. Force drafted him as the 8^th overall QB (27^th pick overall). The next QB wasn’t picked until pick 50 (Flacco) then Manning (56). Seven teams had already picked QB’s. Force could’ve waited a round or two to pick up a top notch WR/RB then grabbed Korn on the Kolb. Boldin always gets hurt. People are saying, “Boldin is the missing piece in Baltimore and if he only stays healthy we will be great.” Heres some breaking news: Hes never healthy. Play 16 games straight and then we’ll talk. Force I will give you a thumbs up on the Cribbs pick. I see him as the next Steve Smith. He is Cleveland’s favorite athlete right now after that cocksucker LeBron skipped town.

Erin Andrews Peephole: First four picks: Brees, Fitz, Grant, Colston. I am a bit concerned with the QB situation in Arizona which means I have concerns with Fitzgeralds production. He has a great smile though. You cannot deny that. Look at that profile pic of his. Sparkling whites.

Le Toux Pt Conversion: Peyton, Steve Jack, Jamaal, DeSean. If you picked up Jamaal Charles last year around Week 7 you probably won your league. He had like 1000 yards in 8 games. That is my one problem with fantasy. It doesn’t take too much skill. It’s all luck with your picks and what sleeper you pick in the 15^th round that ends up being a Top 10 player at his position. Le Toux also has Jay Cutler and Dick Williams on his team. Speaking of profile pics, look at Jay Cutler’s. Don’t you just want to sucker punch him? And Ricky Williams is awesome. 33 years old and still crushing people. He is a cool dude. Watch that 30 for 30 on him. .

Jaws of Justice: First four picks: Ike Turner (ooo, Mike, sorry), Rashard, Brandon Marshall, Pierre Thomas. Mr. Menio started the DEF craze that I crushed Force for. Solid team. I have no qualms. Lets just congratulate Menio on that new jaw hes getting!

Conclusion: I’ve been playing fantasy since I was 13 and I think I have won one time. Translation: I really have no idea what I’m doing and in all likelihood the stunna of all stunnas will happen and Young Stunna will win the league. For the upcoming football year I just hope for a couple of things. Antonio Cromartie doesn’t have any more kids, Tony Romo gets a kick to the kneecap and is put out of commission, ChadOcho and TO feud, Vincent Jackson doesn’t disgrace my good name, Tim Tebow comes out with the Fryar haircut again, and the Eagles have a good season. Stay cool my friends.